I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize