I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
