Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
