woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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