Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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