I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Watching her eat just hurts me
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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