Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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