Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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