so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize