Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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