i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
