i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
