You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
