I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
