Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
