are you still at the devil's house?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
