shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
