I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
