I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize