How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
