yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
