don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize