so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
