you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
