My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize