You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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