my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
