theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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