i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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