Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
