you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You are a genius and a whore.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
