The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
