My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
