dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
