We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize