Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
