Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
