The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
