I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
