guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
