I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
