im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
