I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I've blown a few things in my day
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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