So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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