last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
