I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
