omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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