Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
