She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
