How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
