I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
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