I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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