spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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