I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
