there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize