i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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